Bloody Hell. - justin_guber

Bloody Hell.

I know I've been lambasting it throughout it's entire production, but now that I've finally watched the finished product, I am quite embarresed to admit that Constantine was... well... pretty damn good, actually.

I know, I know, I know. They gave him superpowers where he can visit hell by putting his feet in a bucket of water (holding a cat), they gave him a crucifix shotgun, they made Chaz a whole lot younger and they turned the blonde Brit into a dark haired Yank. And Keanu, no less.

But it's good. It's actually a decent movie. Granted, it's not the comic book, but this was one of those rare occasions where Hollywood changes a lot for the sake of mass audience but still manages to retain the spirit of the character and the comic book. He smokes 30 a day, he's a rude bastard and he gets all his mates killed trying to help him. He's reluctant, he's cocky, he's a mean cunt. This isn't typical Keanu.

At first I was taken a-back by how quiet his Constantine was, but then again, when it comes to Keanu a 'less-is-more' approach in his lines usually works for the better (there are some well dodgy lines that he just couldn't pull off, no matter how cool the man is).

And as for all the changes, the move to the States, the bucket of water, the bloody crucifix gun, they're all aceptable. By the time he actually uses that gun you want Constantine to start kicking some serious demon ass, the first of which being Gavin Rossdale, the Bush-man himself, with a much meatier role than his other half had in Aviator.

Sure, it has it's flaws. whilst this is the first time I've seen CGI used effectively enough for something of the supernatural genre since 'The Frighteners', the design of the demons was a tad bit on the... well... naff side. The half breeds were alright. The angel was alright. The actual demons in hell? Fucking crap. That said, Mnemoth looked pretty cool (an insect-type demon thingey).

But the one thing, the one thing that ruined it form being an A- movie for me was the last ten minutes. That last resolution (Spoiler Alert!) when Constantine makes peace with heaven and (possibly) quits smoking.

Constantine. Quitting smoking. Yeah right.

The fuckers had to endure a dose of lethal lung cancer, not once, but twice in his lifetime in the comic books, and he still smokes thirty a day. You expect me to believe after just one experience with saving the world he'd switch to nicotine gum?! Fuck off!

Here's the other thing: Constantine's a con-man. In the movie, for reasons you will discover when watching the film, Constantine slices his wrists because he knows his soul is damned and Satan himself would come to pick up his soul if he ever died. The whole thing is a trick to get Satan up there to see what was happening so that he could stop it, and thus Satan owes Constantine. Instead of being selfish, Constantine asks that a soul that is in hell (one of the characters) is sent back to heaven (giving ol' nick the finger in the process). Through this sacrifice, just before Satan tries to take him away, heaven opens up to take him because he did something selfless. Satan won't have none of this, he wants his soul with a vengeance, and pulls out his lung cancer and lets him live so that he may sin again.

Now, to me, him asking for that soul in hell to be sent back to heaven was not self-less. I think it was a fucking con. This is Constantine we're talking about here! He doesn't play for either side, he's just surviving. Then again, that's just just my opinion.

So yeah, fanboys hear me out! It's actually alright! This is not LXG, ladies and gents, and it's definitely not Batman & Robin or, God have mercy on us, Catwoman. It's not Spiderman or X Men or Hellboy either, but it can stand up on it's own right, so check it out. I still can't believe they released the thing in Malaysia to begin with.

14.2.05 04:31

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